OCTOBER SECRET SUBJECT SWAP
Letter to my 13 year old self...
How exciting! My very first secret subject swap! A secret subject swap is done by a group of brave bloggers, who all submit a secret subject or prompt. The prompt is then assigned to another blogger in the group, and we all reveal our prompt at the same time! My prompt was assigned by Jules of Bergham Chronicles I had a lot of fun with this one, and it was very reflective for me! Make sure you check out the other bloggers!
Letter to my 13 year old self...
13,
Girl. I remember you, glasses, buck teeth, awful hair cut. Good news is, you look pretty much the same, like exactly the same, just a tad older, and your hair cut is a little better, we wore braces for what seems like forever, you have contacts that you wear most of the time, you'll actually start wearing those soon. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm you from the future. The grown up that you probably sit in your room and wish you were. I know things are rough, but they get better, I promise. Life isn't going to be exactly how you imagine it. Things get worse before they get better, but you're the strongest person I know. I've seen you make it through things, other people would just buckle under. What you're going through now, you've got this.
I wish there were so many things I could tell you, so many things you will come to understand, but I feel like our experiences are what made us who we are, and gave us the tools we needed. I wish I could tell you that your life turns out perfect, but there's no such thing as perfect. I can tell you that your dad is your dad, you come to love him for exactly who he is, you're a bit more guarded now. Just know you're not the little girl you are right now, the one who feels like she doesn't get a say, and doesn't have a voice. Alcohol is a vice, and you'll dance your dance with that devil, and it will help you understand him better.
Stress is a killer. Your mom is doing everything she can to provide and make a better life for you. Cut her some slack, she gets better. Way better. She turns out to be the mom you always wanted when you get older. She had somethings in her life making her unhappy, once she met her true self, she sort of just became who you needed her to be. So stop being a whiny little smart ass, being an adult is hard, and you won't understand it for quite some time.
Worry more about school and less about boys and friends. Yeah right, like you're really going to take that advice. You should though. All of those people you think you care so much about right now, you speak to them occasionally. Those aren't the people in your life anymore. They haven't been for a while. Everyone walks their own path, some people come, and some people go, everyone is where they're supposed to be, exactly when they're supposed to be.
Joel is your best friend. He always will be. Sure right now he's probably annoying, saying something stupid, but you two share a bond, that will get you through anything. He becomes your fierce protector as much as you are his. Your fights are worse though, but when they're over they are HILARIOUS! We'll probably end up in a nursing home together, playing bumper cars with our wheel chairs, or fencing with our canes.
Ma and Pa stick around to hang out for a long time. Thank God, I guess he knows you still need them. They're still here. They're spoiling their great-grand daughter worse than they did you. More about her later. Spend as much time as you can with them. Your family will change a lot over the years, and things won't be the same.
High school is honestly pretty basic and average. You get through it pretty unscathed. You're average looking, slightly above average grades, its just all pretty average. You do the whole social life thing, and you'll meet your best friends that will stick. One of them shows you how to let loose, be happy in the moment, The other is a constant, a person you can depend on for whatever it is you need. They're still your best friends now.
You fall in love before you make it out of there. It's young, it's foolish, but it teaches you a lesson. He's not going to be a good man for you, he will be for someone else someday, but not for you. I wish I could make you understand sooner that it isn't your job to fix people. Eventually they will show their true colors, and you must understand everyone isn't like you, they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves and give everything they have to everyone they meet. But you do beautiful girl. He made you fragile, when he decided to throw you down, but he didn't break you. And when you rose from that fire, like a phoenix from the ashes, you were stronger, wiser, and unbreakable. You learned that every choice you make isn't a good one. You learned sometimes love is blinding, and you should listen to those who you when they say someone is no good. But most of all you learned that lesson that every woman learns at some point, that eventually, you're going to tell your truth, and they're still going to side with the man. It will send you down a path of holding your truth in, because there's always someone else to be worried about, learn to worry about YOU.
The next few years are pretty fun. I really wish we had enjoyed and savored them more. We were young, sexy, wild, and free. You played men like a fiddle, drank like a fish, never slept, never ate. You developed a taste for a nasty little pill that allowed you to do all those things, burn on fumes. You spent a long time wondering how to get out, how to make yourself stop, when you couldn't function any other way. I wish just partying had been enough, and you hadn't decided to take up the other habit. But just like with that first boyfriend, lessons are learned in all our mistakes, and when you cut the habit, you don't pick that one up again.
Enter: your white knight. People are going to judge the shit out of you for your next move. Let them, they don't know you. They don't know that you'll do everything short of dying to prove them wrong. And you did. They said you and your knight wouldn't last 6 months, you'll celebrate 5 years this coming year. I remember being you and wondering what he was going to be like, rest assured, its NOTHING like you planned. He's annoying, clingy, messy, he fusses at you when you spend all his money, he breathes really loud and you guys don't seem to have much in common to observers. But when I say he loves you, I mean it. He loves you. I'm convinced there isn't a thing you can do to make him leave you, and we've done plenty of trying. He adores you, in a way no man ever has. He gives you everything you want, and then convinces himself it isn't enough. He'll prove himself time and time again, try to cut him some slack, he really does care as much as he says he does.
You always said you never wanted kids, but deep down you longed for a baby, because you just wanted someone to love you unconditionally. Well, be careful what you wish for. You have a daughter who has no choice but to love you, because she's your miniature clone, and that isn't as fun as it sounds, cause we're all assholes here. She even follows you to the bathroom, enjoy those peaceful pees while you can homegirl. Her entrance into this world was not at all a smooth one, she has her own way of doing things.
We're still trying to figure out what to do with our lives. There's so much possibility laid out before us. I still see you in there. That little girl, on the brink of being a woman. You come out sometimes when I'm lashing out, when I'm backed into a corner and think I've lost control again. You come out, with your sarcastic attitude, flippancy, disregard to whether they stay or go. But you also come out when I hear a Backstreet Boys song, or Britney Jam. When I'm sliding through the dining room singing into the spatula telling the world "I want it that way." I should learn to listen to you more. Your world may have been out of your control, but you knew exactly what you wanted and how you were going to get it.
I think mostly I'm just trying to be for my daughter, what you needed growing up. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I judge it by her reaction, I don't ever want to see you in her. She's teaching me more about you. I feel like you and I are two different people, instead of one in the same. I can close my eyes, and see you sitting in your room reading this letter. I can picture the tears rolling down your face as you wonder why you can't just be me now, why you have to go through all the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I don't have an answer for that. I think maybe we have to have just enough sadness to create beauty, to learn to appreciate the good things that come our way. And good things are coming our way.
With love,
25
You fall in love before you make it out of there. It's young, it's foolish, but it teaches you a lesson. He's not going to be a good man for you, he will be for someone else someday, but not for you. I wish I could make you understand sooner that it isn't your job to fix people. Eventually they will show their true colors, and you must understand everyone isn't like you, they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves and give everything they have to everyone they meet. But you do beautiful girl. He made you fragile, when he decided to throw you down, but he didn't break you. And when you rose from that fire, like a phoenix from the ashes, you were stronger, wiser, and unbreakable. You learned that every choice you make isn't a good one. You learned sometimes love is blinding, and you should listen to those who you when they say someone is no good. But most of all you learned that lesson that every woman learns at some point, that eventually, you're going to tell your truth, and they're still going to side with the man. It will send you down a path of holding your truth in, because there's always someone else to be worried about, learn to worry about YOU.
The next few years are pretty fun. I really wish we had enjoyed and savored them more. We were young, sexy, wild, and free. You played men like a fiddle, drank like a fish, never slept, never ate. You developed a taste for a nasty little pill that allowed you to do all those things, burn on fumes. You spent a long time wondering how to get out, how to make yourself stop, when you couldn't function any other way. I wish just partying had been enough, and you hadn't decided to take up the other habit. But just like with that first boyfriend, lessons are learned in all our mistakes, and when you cut the habit, you don't pick that one up again.
Enter: your white knight. People are going to judge the shit out of you for your next move. Let them, they don't know you. They don't know that you'll do everything short of dying to prove them wrong. And you did. They said you and your knight wouldn't last 6 months, you'll celebrate 5 years this coming year. I remember being you and wondering what he was going to be like, rest assured, its NOTHING like you planned. He's annoying, clingy, messy, he fusses at you when you spend all his money, he breathes really loud and you guys don't seem to have much in common to observers. But when I say he loves you, I mean it. He loves you. I'm convinced there isn't a thing you can do to make him leave you, and we've done plenty of trying. He adores you, in a way no man ever has. He gives you everything you want, and then convinces himself it isn't enough. He'll prove himself time and time again, try to cut him some slack, he really does care as much as he says he does.
You always said you never wanted kids, but deep down you longed for a baby, because you just wanted someone to love you unconditionally. Well, be careful what you wish for. You have a daughter who has no choice but to love you, because she's your miniature clone, and that isn't as fun as it sounds, cause we're all assholes here. She even follows you to the bathroom, enjoy those peaceful pees while you can homegirl. Her entrance into this world was not at all a smooth one, she has her own way of doing things.
We're still trying to figure out what to do with our lives. There's so much possibility laid out before us. I still see you in there. That little girl, on the brink of being a woman. You come out sometimes when I'm lashing out, when I'm backed into a corner and think I've lost control again. You come out, with your sarcastic attitude, flippancy, disregard to whether they stay or go. But you also come out when I hear a Backstreet Boys song, or Britney Jam. When I'm sliding through the dining room singing into the spatula telling the world "I want it that way." I should learn to listen to you more. Your world may have been out of your control, but you knew exactly what you wanted and how you were going to get it.
I think mostly I'm just trying to be for my daughter, what you needed growing up. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I judge it by her reaction, I don't ever want to see you in her. She's teaching me more about you. I feel like you and I are two different people, instead of one in the same. I can close my eyes, and see you sitting in your room reading this letter. I can picture the tears rolling down your face as you wonder why you can't just be me now, why you have to go through all the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I don't have an answer for that. I think maybe we have to have just enough sadness to create beauty, to learn to appreciate the good things that come our way. And good things are coming our way.
With love,
25
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:
Baking In A Tornado http://www.BakingInATornado.co
Not That Sarah Michelle http://notthatsarahmichelle.bl
The Bergham Chronicles http://berghamchronicles.blogs
Spatulas on Parade http://spatulasonparade.blogsp
The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver http://www.thediaryofanalzheim
The Lieber Family Blog http://thelieberfamily.com
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy http://dinoheromommy.com/
Southern Belle Charm http://www.southernbellecharm.
Confessions of a part time working mom http://thethreegerbers.blogspo
Never Ever Give Up Hope http://batteredhope.blog
Climaxed
A Little Piece of Peace http://little-piece-of-peace.b
what a start to the swap for you! love it!
ReplyDeleteIt's so funny, as I read about the pieces of the past you that you see in yourself, I start to see pieces of me too. We are all so very different, yet we have threads of commonality if we look for them. Great Swap post. Glad you decided to join us!
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job with the post and I always appreciate it when they are personal
ReplyDeleteYou did amazing! I loved this. I'm a daughter, have a daughter, who has a daughter and I think that you should save this and give it to your daughter when she turns 13. You sound like a terrific mother. We don't get manuals for our kids we try to walk a line between the good and bad in our own childhoods. Trying to always get more of one than the other. You get the award for the best post this month!
ReplyDeleteOh Rena, you're too kind!
DeleteOh if only we knew then what we know now!
ReplyDeletePerfect introduction to the Swap
Such a tough prompt, but you did it well! Welcome to the SWAP!
ReplyDeletePrompts like those really make you think, right? I once wrote a similar piece - just totally different. Welcome to the group!
ReplyDelete