Tuesday, September 13, 2016

My life be like...

Hey y'all! 

After a couple years out of the blogging game, I've decided to come back and share my thoughts. I've spent the last couple of years with Scarlett, who's story you can read in my other blog, Permanent Transitions, which is her story while she was in the NICU.

This first post will be dedicated to introducing you to me, and who I am, but don't expect anything less than vague, because I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Oh, and I'm not that interesting, but sometimes I'm witty, and sometimes I'm wise, mostly I'm neither. 

My name is Ceraya or Danielle, depending on how long you've known me. I'm currently sitting at 25 years old, but that will change in December. I'm married to a wonderful, infuriating man by the name of Ben. We will celebrate our fifth year of marriage in May 2017. Scarlett is our only child, other than our Heinz-57 dog, Beau. 

I was born and raised in South Georgia, never lived anywhere else, with the exception of 2 years in North Carolina, while Ben was at Camp Lejeune.  My ultimate goal is to try to live everywhere one day. 

My childhood was pretty typical for a millennial, I think. My parents divorced before I can remember, and I spent every other weekend at my Dad's, until his alcoholism became too much for me and I made the decision not to go anymore. My mom worked a lot and eventually went back to school, and my brother and I were pretty much left to our own devices. 

My brother. Joel. Lifelong best friend and worst enemy.  We're adults now and we still fight like we're two asshole kids in the backseat. I couldn't love the kid more, though. 

Speaking of Joel, we have different dads. My mom was married to his for 16 years and I consider him my dad too. His name is Jamey. He was ok in the dad department. He didn't do a lot of dad things with us, but he worked his ass off and handed my mom his paycheck every week to make sure we all had what we need. 

My grandparents were part of the reason I can still call my childhood a childhood. They had awesome woods and fishing ponds, and a swimming pool, and always had us over to just let us be wild. They spoiled the shit out of me too, its part of my attitude problem.

Shit, that's such a hallmark version of my childhood. Whatever I'll talk about it more in depth and how awful it really was, one day...maybe.

My teenage years were pretty typical, I think. I worked from the time I was 14 or 15, so I could afford to buy my clothes and cell minutes (think pink razr). I spent a lot of time holed up in my room reading and listening to music. I was a very good student, and was involved in lots of extra curricular activities, but I wouldn't say I was "popular." High school was simple for me, most of my drama came from boyfriends. 

My senior year was a little different. I met a boy, who turned out to be one of the worst things to happen to me. I think I lost myself in him. Coming from the deep south, even in the 21st century, you didn't date outside of your race. So of course, once my family found out, I had to make a decision. I chose him. I moved out with him, and in with a friend's mom temporarily. 2 weeks later, we had to move to another town because my mom tried to fight us in a fast food joint parking lot. So we did that little shindig for a little over a year, with me supporting him by working 2 jobs, and taking food stamps out on us. Then he hit me. And then he apologized. And then he hit me again. So then I left while he was passed out drunk at a friends. And now he likes to tell people that I was the abusive one, not that I mind, people like him always try to find a way to flip the blame.

The end of that relationship turned me into a party girl. It was too much booze, too many drugs, and too many boys. I bounced from house to house because I would eventually not be able to pay my rent working in various restaurant jobs and serving positions. For a long time, I would look back on that period as doing a lot of things I wasn't proud of, but now in my adult mind, I know not all of it was my fault, and I was taken advantage of a lot when I was out of my proper state of mind. 

And then the white knight came along. I was actually at a little more secure, mature place at that time. I had a nice home and was actually paying my bills. I had a decent job, some alright friends, and I had a "relationship" which was really just an asshole that I spent 9 months of my life with, getting drunk, having sex, him cheating while I was at work and then me right back with him the next day. Everyone thought we were the perfect match, and every once in a while I still hear how people wish we were still together. We were literally the life of the party.

Enter the white knight. I had been talking to him about a week, hiding it from the boyfriend, pretty much getting my revenge. He was from the same place, but was in the Marines, and stationed 10 hours away, so I figured I was golden. And I was, until he came to visit and I broke it off with the boyfriend. We spent ALL of the next 7 days together. Thursday to Thursday. On Sunday, he asked my mom for my hand in marriage, and she gave him her rings from my dad. On Tuesday he asked me to marry him, and I don't know why I said yes to a man I didn't know, but I did.

We were married 2 weeks later. I moved with him to NC and we settled into life together.  The first year was rough. We fought like cats and dogs, which is what happens when you marry someone you don't know. I wanted to leave so many times. But he forced me to stick it out, and eventually I fell in love with him. About 2 years in, we welcomed Scarlett, and its been the three amigos ever since. 

Recently I went through a spiritual awakening of sorts. I discovered things about myself that were strange, but made absolutely perfect sense. I will be sharing some of those things later in the blog. 

Right now, I'm back to trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm in constant pursuit of knowledge, and this blog will probably share some of that with you. I have no general direction or plans for this blog, but instead I will choose to write it how I live and how I see the world, simple, chaotic, and beautiful. This is our story.

Feel free to drop an introduction or ask any questions! I look forward to getting to know you!

This is in no way an entire story, nor does it have much depth. The statements made about the individuals listed are factual, biased, and not my entire opinion, nor intended to be good, nor bad. In fact, I was very soft on some people.